


Affirmation

by wRexident



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:42:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25415599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wRexident/pseuds/wRexident
Summary: For my custom Commander Antoni R Shepard and Kaidan Alenko. A rambling nightmare convinces Toni he's not worth keeping around and that he'll end up hurting Kaidan but Kaidan refuses to accept any excuses. They have a long rambling conversation after. (This will be part of a series/study of Toni)
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko/Male Shepard
Comments: 6
Kudos: 13





	Affirmation

The panic swells in his dreams like a distant song. It’s a twisting, slippery melody tainting the vague images and sullen shadows of familiar things, things that make up his current world and the world he came from. The warm scents of coffee and old tobacco become acrid and nauseating. The hand sewn throw over the old sofa is tainted by thoughts of disappointment. Even the pictures on the walls, once comforting and the closest thing he’d ever again have to a family, are judgemental. Their eyes penetrate his every move, expressions staring on in disdain. Deep shifting shadows writhe and convulse as he moves, bleeding out into the hazy background. They catch his attention in his peripherals but they ghost and fade quicker than he can make them out. They beckon at his mind, whispers and thoughts he’d once told the walls of an empty apartment. Hundreds and hundreds of those secrets are now free from their prison to haunt the insides of his mind. The shadows sing the words that used to belong solely to him and become something else; something sinister full of regret and doubt. The voices tumble over one another as they trickle in like a stream. 

_Remember... You were naive to have believed. To have trusted. You were so lonely…. You would trust anyone, wouldn’t you? You’d betray it all. And you failed them all. One, by one, by one, by one… until there’s nothing left, except you..._

They shift and become people from his past, those he's put to rest. His living regrets are on display, too. They all grace the stage in his mind as mistakes he can never fix, faces he will never reconcile with.

_You left me and I want you back. At all costs._

_When we head back, gonna' throw a party. It's my birthday, after all._

_You won't talk to me about this? That's pretty low, Toni._

_I'm so sorry! I never meant to hurt you!_

_It's all because of you… This is your fault. They're all dead because of you!_

_All you got was a few scratches and a scary reputation..._

_You got it, skipper!_

_No, it won't. Because I'll never work for Cerberus._

_Dad…_

He can put faces and names to them one by one as they echo through his mind. 

He’s fucking up again; he can feel it. He remembers the ground ahead is shaky and unformed. He’s been there before. He knows the traps by heart. The loose pathing would falter and give way, drop into a swirling chaos he’s all too familiar with. It sings for his descension. Now, he’s falling through. And the way down becomes pointed and heavy, slicing through the darkness and dragging him along behind it. There’s no light. There’s no air. Nothing moves or breathes in the abyssal graveyard. The raw, unfiltered panic is the only thing alive as it reverberates through his body. It soaks into his lungs and steals what remains of his breath, shutters it away. The life in him throbs painfully to breathe. He opens his mouth to scream but it’s stuck in his throat. No air, no voice. No voice, no way to plead for help, save the desperate, earnest prayers in his heart. He’s in space again. Burning out over Alchera, scattering over the icy planet like a thousand shooting stars.

If there’s one last thing he must do, it’s to spare dragging Kaidan down with him. So much has gone wrong over the years and he can’t take it back. It would be kinder to let him go.

_Mistake. It’s a mistake. I have to warn him. He deserves better._

The thought is a shotgun blast. Raw emotion surges as his heart picks up the pace from a calm, steady walk to a bursting gallop. It forces him up to the surface where dreams break against the barrier of reality to dissipate in the light. But they do not shatter at the gate. He simply drags it all into the waking world with him.

In his tank and sweats, he tumbles from the bed unsteadily as panic drives him up and outward. Kaidan is nowhere to be found. All his clothes are gone from the foot of the bed where they’d been abandoned. And his tags aren’t on the coffee table. 

He’s already gone…. He already knows…. I have to apologize. I can’t leave it like this. He deserves better than that.

Toni’s legs are tangled up in the blanket and he nearly trips. The panic in his chest drives him forward, sparing him the indignity of tripping, and he stumbles up the stairs and past the aquarium.

The lock spins green and out he goes into the much colder space between the cabin door and the elevator. Just as he reaches the elevator lift, the doors part. Out strides Kaidan, a cup in one hand and a datapad in the other.

Kaidan sees him and stops immediately. “Shepard…”

Toni seizes him by the shoulders. Liquid sloshes over the cup’s rim. His grip nearly rattles the datapad out of Kaidan’s hand. “You have to stay away from me,” he tries to be firm but his voice is raw, coarse. It growls out of his dry throat, cracking unpleasantly.

Kaidan frowns, thick dark brows hang over his eyes, and he tilts his head a little to one side. “Shepard, you’re still dreaming,” he states, so matter-of-factly. It catches Toni off guard. How could Kaidan be so dismissive?

“I’m not—Will you just listen?!,” Toni stutters. He wants to protest. He wants to fight and be angry. But he also knows he’s fighting reality. He knows somewhere he’s not coherent. They teach you how to handle the dreams in therapy but this feels too important not to get out. If he’s awake, he won’t say what needs to be said. “I’m not fuckin’ dreamin’. I’m tainted, Kaidan. I’m cursed. What in this do you not get?”

“Hey, Toni, can draw in a good deep breath for me?”

“Get away from me while you can. I’m telling you, Kaidan,” Toni drags him closer by the collar and looks him dead in the eyes. “You deserve better than this!”

Kaidan doesn’t even flinch. He gazes right back, holding Toni’s eyes with a steady focus.  
“You don’t know about what I deserve or what’s good for me,” he says quietly. Then without looking at either full hand, he drops both the cup of coffee and the datapad. The cup clatters across metal flooring, splattering lukewarm contents on his bare foot and on the leg of his sweatpants. The datapad dances on the edge of its frame and falls flat on its face. Neither the cup or datapad break. Toni wishes otherwise. Maybe just to hear the satisfying crunch or shatter, to know he’s still capable of enforcing his will into the living world.

“Take a deep breath.”

“I’m telling you—,” Toni protests.

“I don’t care what you’re telling me,” Kaidan fires right back. “Slow down. Take a deep breath. Slow. 1, 2, 3—,” he counts. Toni frowns but does as he’s told. For whatever reason. Maybe the rational part of his brain is fighting back. Maybe because he didn’t want to be trapped in this emotional hell and actually feeling something good is what his brain needs, what his heart needs.

“Hold it. 1, 2, 3, 4…,” Kaidan continues counting. He knows this method, too. “Good. Exhale, 1, 2, 3, 4…”

Toni doesn’t realize he’s shaking until he retracts his hands from Kaidan’s shirt’s collar. The blue fabric is wrinkled from the iron-knuckled grip. Seeing the wrinkled fabric brings a sense of regret of how he always seems to handle everything in the roughest manner possible, including that which requires the most care. He’s too calloused. And Kaidan always takes good care of him.. Guilt crawls across Toni’s skin. Kaidan deserves more than to be handled so roughly.

They go through another repetition of breaths. This time, together. Though panic is still in his chest where his heart is slamming against his ribs with force, the world around him starts to make sense again. He tightens both his hands in knots at his sides and holds steady, still, while the inside of his mind struggles to put everything in context from touch to taste to hearing. The hum of the Normandy’s engine has always been a comforting ambient sound. Cold coffee seeps beneath his toes. It has a bitter smell. He can feel the difference between the cold liquid and the hard metal floor. And then there’s Kaidan’s musk and heat.

Without being asked or expected to, Kaidan reaches out and takes his hands. Without resistance, Toni eases the tension in his fingers, allowing for Kaidan to hold them as he talks him through the rest of the breathing exercise.

Eventually, his mind solidifies in its own existence. He’s right back to the cramped space between the cabin door and the elevator. He no longer feels like he’s been shoved down hundreds of flights of stairs, shaken, and rattled apart. Sad to say, but that’s been the state of things since Eden Prime, granted there’s been a few breathing spots here and there.

“Sorry,” is the first thing he murmurs when he feels more under control. “I was dreaming… It felt important.” He looks down at the spilled coffee and chances a glance at Kaidan’s eyes or near them. Right below them actually. Where there aren’t any dark circles. He’s a little scared of what he might see if he does glance into Kaidan's eyes. He feels too vulnerable under that gaze. What does he think about him now, after telling him to head for the hills? 

Kaidan’s voice is characteristically gentle in the usual deep smoky tone. “You don’t need to apologize, Toni…”

“I thought you left. I had to stop you and tell you…”

“Toni, listen to yourself. We’re in the middle of Traverse space. Where would I even go?”

“I know,” Toni shakes his head. He loosens a hand from Kaidan’s grip so he can smear loose locks of hair away from his forehead and massage it with his index and thumb like he always does when slightly inconvenienced. Then he actually meets Kaidan’s gaze this time. He has to stress his point. “I know it’s just a dream but it felt real.”

“They always do,” Kaidan replies softly. He raises a hand to cup Toni’s face. His thumb traces circles against Toni’s cheek. The gesture is grounding and very appreciated. But Kaidan isn’t done. He pulls Toni into a hug. Both of Kaidan’s strong arms wrap around his neck. He cradles the back of Toni’s head and ushers him into the softest embrace. “I’m here, Toni…”

Toni wraps one arm around K’s waist and clings to his shoulder with the other, half burying his face against it. It feels like safety. Home. He wants to cry. “You sure you want to be here?,” he murmurs.

“I’m sure. Please never doubt that.”

“I guess it’s hard. After Hori—”

Kaidan cuts him off but his words are so soft Toni can’t even take it as anger or a threat. “I swear to— If you mention Horizon again, I’ll do something….”

“Like what?,” Toni asks and lets himself smile.

“I dunno. Something you really hate. Maybe I’ll make your coffee extra weak and flavorless.”

That brings a chuckle out of him. He continues clinging to Kaidan, refusing to move or let the other man move. It would take something more dramatic than the threat of fucking up his coffee to pull him out of this safe harbor. Here, he can really feel K’s presence. It soaks through his body entirely, staves off the dangers of those thoughts stemming from the dream. And he smells like soap with a hint of aftershave, cinnamon, and coffee. It’s a comforting mixture. This man represents the closest thing he’s ever had to home since before Akuze. A long time ago, now… It feels like decades.

“If you do that, then we’ll really fight,” Toni murmurs and pulls back a little to show Kaidan a smile, to let him know he is okay and glad to be here presently. It wasn’t so dark now… not anymore.

“I don’t think—even you being who you are—will win against a biotic. No offense,” Kaidan smiles and his eyes are warm and so vibrant. Deep beautiful rich brown with a hint of glinting amber in the depths of a glass of whiskey. Toni stares at the little scar on his upper lip and thinks about kissing it. “Please,” Kaidan murmurs to him in a defeated tone, “Stop mentioning Horizon. I regret what I said to you, for walking out. It feels like a punishment every time you bring it up.”

Toni takes how devastated Kaidan sounds into consideration. They’d already had one lengthy conversation encompassing all the hurt feelings they both had toward each other but he’s never really heard the hurt in the other man’s voice quite the way he’s hearing it now. “I’ll stop. I promise,” Toni whispers to him. The tension melts from over Kaidan’s thick brows. “It was hard, K. My brain is well-trained to seeing people disappear.”

“I know. We’ve had this conversation, Shep—Toni,” he responds. “But I’m not anyone in your past and I’m not leaving. I know you’ve got hang ups but they don’t scare or worry me, alright? What does scare and worry me is when you say things like you don’t deserve me. I don’t care if it is a dream. Toni, you are a good person and you deserve me, and probably a lot more than me, if I’m honest.”

“Don’t be honest. I just want you.”

“I did not see that line coming…,” Kaidan says with a small laugh. Heat colors his cheeks.

Toni soaks in the bashful expression, appreciating every single inch of Kaidan’s face, especially when the warmth touches his eyes.

“Are you good now?,” Kaidan changes the subject quickly. Good thing. They both know where it might end up again.

“Yeah, I think,” Toni drops his hand to Kaidan’s and holds it there briefly before pulling away. The tenderness kills him. Toni may not feel like he deserves that gentleness but god, does he want it.

“Any chance of you being able to go back to sleep?”

“I doubt it,” Toni answers him honestly. He still clings to Kaidan’s hand, holds it close. He’s not a dream. He's real. Thank goodness. “Not yet anyway.”

Kaidan leans down only for a second to scoop up the cup and datapad. “Well,” he looks at Toni. “I’ll stay with you for awhile. Rey is still asleep in Liara’s bed. She didn’t want to move him.”

“Okay,” Toni heaves a sigh, feeling a bit relieved someone else is watching over Rey and that he hadn’t witnessed his dad going crazy. “I guess he’s gotten attached to Li.”

“You have to admit it’s pretty cute, Toni,” Kaidan muses as they stroll back through the door into the cabin. “I also get the sense he’s pretty attached to Tali, too. But it makes me wonder if he gets those tendencies from his father?”

“You mean, him turning into an affectionate tub of goo whenever there’s people around? God, I hope not. I don’t want him to turn out like I did. Besides, I wasn’t all that bad with the affection thing,” Toni drags the comforter and sheet back onto the bed and flings it aside so he can sit down.

“You’re in denial,” Kaidan joins him, setting the empty cup and datapad on the floor at his feet.

“I’m in denial?,” Toni asks, feeling rather disgusted at the implication that he’s a soft, mushy human being. Rey is way ahead of him in the game of loving everyone. His love has even spread to the Geth, starting with one esteemed Legion. The nine year old seems pretty well adjusted to the circumstances currently. It may be a long time before something about losing his mom surfaces but Toni will play it safe. When it’s all over, he can take Rey to be evaluated, make sure he is okay, before he’s not, and the trauma starts nipping at his heels. His worst worry is about Rey becoming a doormat to obtain approval from others. Realizing Rey is in the same cycle as he was at that age doesn’t bring him any comfort. Yet, he’s gonna try to be there for the kid.

“You’re warm around people all the time. You’re civil even to those that don’t deserve it.”

“Everyone deserves a second chance, don’t they? Look at Helena Blake. She’s still out there serving the common good.”

“She’s not a good example, is she? I mean, she seemed a pretty rational woman from the start. Try, say, Dr. Heart or Saleon, or whatever you want to call him. You didn’t pull the trigger. You left the choice to Garrus. And I mean, yeah, I had my qualms about the decision to hunt him down but what we found in that ship was evidence enough of his crimes. You probably would have just traded him over to the Fifth Fleet if Garrus would have let you. And what about talking down Toombs? The L2 biotics that kidnapped Chairman Burns?”

“You would have done the same, Kaidan. Don’t bring this all up to glorify my actions. And Blake wasn’t rational then. She ran a gang with intent of overtaking her rival and dominating the sand market. Pretty damn ruthless, if you ask me. Being in among that crowd again triggered some heavy emotions.”

“Still, you spared her when you could have had her tried. But you convinced her to walk a different path, be part of the good in the universe. Sometimes, I wonder if I would have made the same decisions as you. I would have turned her in. I wouldn’t have given Legion the chance to be on the Normandy. I wouldn’t look at Mordin Solus with as much forgiveness as you do. What he helped do to the Krogan was unforgivable.”

“Bullshit. You’d do it because you’d have to. He’s the only one smart enough to reverse-engineer his mistake. And Legion… well, he’s helping.”

“Look, all I’m saying is you’re more of a people person than you give yourself credit for and I have learned a lot from it. And you’re a huge flirt. You knew my weakness before I even realized it myself. When you flirted with me at the poker table, it was the most natural thing in the world.”

“I am not,” Toni scoffs. “I had been drinking. We were having fun.”

“Oh?,” Kaidan raises an eyebrow cynically. “That what we’re calling it? Mr. Winks-a-lot? And I think I’m recalling correctly when I say you damn near molested that bottle with your tongue.”

“That wasn’t flirting,” Toni shakes his head, defensively.

“It wasn’t?,” Kaidan asks. “Pretty sure, even if it’s forward, that kind of action conveys flirtation.”

“That was being lewd.”

Kaidan laughs. “Yeah, but it wasn’t quite so lewd, was it? You were pretty sly about it, making sure only I saw and noticed it. The way you looked directly at me… you weren’t even shy about it. It’s like you wanted me to know.”

“Did it turn you on?,” Toni leans back on the bed on his elbows. Kaidan turns, toward him, one leg folded between them.

“Yeah, actually. It did,” Kaidan’s cheeks flush a bit. “Never thought you’d be into me in a million years, especially after all that had happened, yet there you were, delivering quick one-liners and dropping winks on me. I think you were goading me into betting on that last hand.”

“I was trying,” Toni admits. “It didn’t work though.”

“No, I was too distracted by you and had to fold.”

“Imagine that,” Toni muses and chuckles. He watches as Kaidan makes a sweeping gaze over his lax form. “You never thought I’d be into you. Couldn’t have been further from the truth, Kaidan. I admired you. And we have a lot in common…”

“Is this the part where you talk about our careers, again? Because we’ve had that conversation.”

Toni laughs and flops his hands in a shrugging motion. “I mean… we’re both tough. We’ve had our share of beatings. We’re also resilient.”

“More so you than me on that one,” Kaidan mutters.

“Determined. We’ve had to do things we didn’t agree with but it was a matter of survival. And yet, you still always grew outside of those circumstances. You never let the past confine you or alter your perception. That’s incredibly rare.”

“And you survived a crash and… giant space worms.”

“That...was—,” Toni pauses. “Is that what we’re calling it now? You can say Akuze, you know?”

“Don’t make light of your trauma,” Kaidan falls back on the bed next to him. “You still have nightmares. And besides I had my parents, Toni. You didn’t. Are we really turning this into a contest now?”

“It’s not a contest. It’s appreciation,” Toni stares out of the skylight and watches the stars race by. “I’m telling you why the attraction is there.”

“This whole conversation is a mess,” Kaidan laughs.

“That’s why I love you.” He says it so casually, but the truth is he hasn’t said it in years. Not since the opportunity was wasted after N-School graduation. He said it quietly then. To the air, to no one. The one it was intended for never knew. The memories are inscribed somewhere safe.

But it gets Kaidan’s attention immediately. He jolts upright and stares straight ahead. Toni only glances but he can tell those eyes go saucer wide. “Did you just…”

“Yes. Because it’s true and I don’t want to hide it anymore. You treat me and everyone with the same generosity and sympathy. Maybe even empathy at times. You can argue that you don’t and that you wouldn’t do X thing under specific circumstances. If we changed places, I think you would do what you had to for the greater good. This, us—we see each other. You actually see me. Not the mess of me. And I see a guy who has a strong compass, who walks the straight and narrow because he knows there’s pain and suffering the other way. ”

“Because you’re not a mess, Toni! You’re a person. You’re human.”

“But can I do right by you in the same way?”

Kaidan turns. He’s licking his lips, ready to speak. Toni props himself up on his elbows, ready for the lecture.

“You are doing right by me. You always have. I thought my admiration of you was apparent. It was so hard on Horizon but I had to stick to my guns because that’s what you would have done, Toni. You praise me for never altering my perception but there’s so much I learned from you. You inspired me to be who I am, to pursue a life I wanted.”

“We did have a lot of talks, didn’t we?,” Toni smiles, thinking back on the late nights they’d spent chatting or working out or having coffee. Life on the SR-1 hadn’t been the best but it certainly hadn’t been the worst.

“If I remember right, that was your habit, talking to everyone, listening like they mattered and never talking about yourself. Not once. And for three years, no one even knew the immensity of what you were dealing with.”

“I hate bragging,” Toni gives him a wry smile. “There’s no point, you know? People are hurting, right now. We lost Ashley. There was a death count from the Citadel two years ago. And now a second death count thanks to Udina’s coup. Tali lost her dad. Garrus lost a whole team and then Palaven. Liara watched her whole planet fall. We watched Earth burn. Rey lost his mom. The Batarians lost their home world. You haven’t heard from your dad... Everyone’s losing someone or something of value. It’s all falling apart. There’s no room for me to complain about things that are long past me.”

“But, that’s just the thing, Shepard,” Kaidan slips back into calling him Shepard so easily, it’s amusing sometimes. Old habits die hard. “You hid yourself. And no one knew. No one knew, except, I suspect Liara. If the crew had known, they wouldn’t have let you go on like that. It was selfless and stupid. How could you ever think you’re not a good person when you put everyone ahead of yourself at your own risk? Please, don’t let your trauma and a bunch of nightmares make you think you’re anything but good. It’s up to those around you who love you to recognize and reinforce that. And they will if you let them. You don’t have to hold it all alone.”

“S’that mean, you, too?,” Toni looks up at him and holds his gaze.

“Yes, it means me too,” Kaidan confirms. “If that wasn’t already obvious.”

Toni rolls over to his side and beckons Kaidan in with a crooked finger, “C’mere.”

Kaidan leans down and for a brief moment their lips brush. The heat of Kaidan’s breath spreads across his lips. And the intensity of emotion coils around Toni’s core, tantalizing, playful. Toni brushes his lips gently against Kaidan’s just appreciating the warmth and the texture of his lips.

“I just realized,” Kaidan says, the smell of coffee and cinnamon heavy on his breath, “our conversation came full circle without derailing for once.”

“That’s good luck, isn’t it? Better kiss on it.”

**Author's Note:**

> and these two idiots wouldn't shut up—how a two page fic turns into ten. And yes the nightmare's voices are actually part of the indoctrination process seen in ME3. (not beta'ed, sorry for any mistakes)


End file.
